I had some unforgettable dreams just recently. In one dream, I woke up feeling dazed and confused because it was the day of my wedding. Although I was getting married to my boyfriend, whom I love very much, I was terrified because nothing was prepared! There was no cake, no make up artist, and I hadn’t even bought my wedding gown yet. To my terror, I knew that I was running out of time. In the dream I remember scrambling out of bed to put make up on, and fix my own hair. I wasn’t doing a very good job, and I was angry at not being prepared. I was also worried that I would be terribly embarrassed once all the guests showed up to my so-called “wedding”. In another dream of frustration, I got into a fight with someone. Although I don’t remember who that person was, and why I got into a fight, I just remember feeling completely helpless. Using all the strength I could muster, I punched that person like I wanted to smash that face in. But no matter how hard I punched that person, it didn’t hurt that person one bit. I punched harder, but the harder I tried, the less damage that was done. I felt like I wanted to scream because I wasn’t making an impact, and I had never felt so utterly weak before. It was almost the same feeling that I felt as a child when my older cousin trapped me using his arms and legs, and nearly tickled me to death. While I was laughing really hard, I really wanted to cry and scream for him to stop because I was having difficulty breathing. Feeling completely powerless is one of the worst feelings that I believe anyone can ever experience.
Why did I have these dreams? Reflecting back on the disorganization of dreams was like gluing the shards of glass from a broken mirror. The ultimate message I believe was my fear of failure in marriage and relationships. I grew up watching how my parents’ marriage disintegrated before my eyes, and did not know how that would affect my own fear for developing a meaningful relationship. I remember all the arguments and fights at the donut shop where my parents worked seven days a week. My mom was always tired from work and never had time to do what other women could do on their spare time such as shopping. But when she did go shopping, she would hide her items from my dad because he didn’t approve of the many things that she bought. My parents brought my sister and I to the donut shop because they could not afford a babysitter. After nearly a decade of unhappy marriage, my mother finally had the courage to get a divorce.
Why do some marriages last while others fail? I don’t know the whole answer, but I do believe that most arranged marriages fail. Back in traditional Cambodia, my parents were set up. However, even some people who chose their own partner still end up getting a divorce. I saw the mental, and physical stress that was caused when our family was broken and uprooted to a new location. As a result, I had to move several times, and attend multiple schools. Each new beginning was met with a rush of excitement. However, the short-term excitement left me with long-term consequences such never having a real home or time to develop real good friendships. The first time I moved was when I was in fourth grade, and my first best friend named Burgundy even cried.
Looking back, I think my dream shows my fear of marriage because I wouldn’t want to put my future children through the “tumbleweed” experience of never settling down to a real home. I wouldn’t want to put my kids in a situation where they have to leave their old friends behind find new ones every couple of years. Also, the dream about feeling powerless relates to the fear having a marriage with no freedom like how my mom had to hide everything from my dad. My parents’ marriage did have a huge impact on me and still does today, but I didn’t realize how much it did until I had those dreams.
