Dreams Speak Louder than Words

I had some unforgettable dreams just recently.   In one dream, I woke up feeling dazed and confused because it was the day of my wedding.  Although I was getting married to my boyfriend, whom I love very much, I was terrified because nothing was prepared!  There was no cake, no make up artist, and I hadn’t even bought my wedding gown yet.  To my terror, I knew that I was running out of time.  In the dream I remember scrambling out of bed to put make up on, and fix my own hair.  I wasn’t doing a very good job, and I was angry at not being prepared.  I was also worried that I would be terribly embarrassed once all the guests showed up to my so-called “wedding”.  In another dream of frustration, I got into a fight with someone.  Although I don’t remember who that person was, and why I got into a fight, I just remember feeling completely helpless.  Using all the strength I could muster, I punched that person like I wanted to smash that face in.  But no matter how hard I punched that person, it didn’t hurt that person one bit.  I punched harder, but the harder I tried, the less damage that was done.  I felt like I wanted to scream because I wasn’t making an impact, and I had never felt so utterly weak before.  It was almost the same feeling that I felt as a child when my older cousin trapped me using his arms and legs, and nearly tickled me to death.  While I was laughing really hard, I really wanted to cry and scream for him to stop because I was having difficulty breathing.  Feeling completely powerless is one of the worst feelings that I believe anyone can ever experience.   

Why did I have these dreams?  Reflecting back on the disorganization of dreams was like gluing the shards of glass from a broken mirror.  The ultimate message I believe was my fear of failure in marriage and relationships.  I grew up watching how my parents’ marriage disintegrated before my eyes, and did not know how that would affect my own fear for developing a meaningful relationship.  I remember all the arguments and fights at the donut shop where my parents worked seven days a week.  My mom was always tired from work and never had time to do what other women could do on their spare time such as shopping.  But when she did go shopping, she would hide her items from my dad because he didn’t approve of the many things that she bought.  My parents brought my sister and I to the donut shop because they could not afford a babysitter.  After nearly a decade of unhappy marriage, my mother finally had the courage to get a divorce. 

Why do some marriages last while others fail?  I don’t know the whole answer, but I do believe that most arranged marriages fail.  Back in traditional Cambodia, my parents were set up.  However, even some people who chose their own partner still end up getting a divorce.  I saw the mental, and physical stress that was caused when our family was broken and uprooted to a new location.   As a result, I had to move several times, and attend multiple schools.   Each new beginning was met with a rush of excitement.  However, the short-term excitement left me with long-term consequences such never having a real home or time to develop real good friendships.  The first time I moved was when I was in fourth grade, and my first best friend named Burgundy even cried. 

           

Looking back, I think my dream shows my fear of marriage because I wouldn’t want to put my future children through the “tumbleweed” experience of never settling down to a real home.  I wouldn’t want to put my kids in a situation where they have to leave their old friends behind find new ones every couple of years.  Also, the dream about feeling powerless relates to the fear having a marriage with no freedom like how my mom had to hide everything from my dad.  My parents’ marriage did have a huge impact on me and still does today, but I didn’t realize how much it did until I had those dreams.

Choosing Your Own Fate

Choosing Your Own Fate

The Arab prisoner in “The Guest,” by Albert Camus was the most interesting character because he chose a path that normally other prisoners would not, leading to ultimate death.    If I were given the choice to run free from captivity or to turn myself in for exile, I would’ve chosen the latter.  However, many people think differently, and this is evident in the outcome from our actions.  Personal action is what defines a person’s character.  Unfortunately, first impressions of people usually are not enough evidence to define a person’s character.  Daru, the school teacher, had a first impression of the Arab prisoner which was a feeling of disgust when the gendarme Balducci told Daru the Arab was a murderer.  But what Daru sees in the Arab was a human being, not just a person bound for imprisonment.  Also, through the story, it was not confirmed that the Arab was a murderer at all. 

The Arab had many opportunities to run away in the night while Daru pretended to be asleep.  However, the Arab chose to stay by Daru as a dutiful prisoner.  Perhaps because Daru treated him with respect, dignity, and like a guest instead of a prisoner, the Arab returned the same respect.  Daru had even slept naked at night, knowing the Arab was in his presence, and that he could dangerous since Daru was told that the Arab had murdered his own cousin. 

What was the most shocking was when the Arab was given money along with instructions of two separate paths that would ultimately lead to his freedom or his death.  Why did the Arab choose death?  I think that if Daru had not shown him the kindness that he had, the Arab would have run away already.  However, I think the Arab may have even felt obligated to choose that destiny because he was respectful, and noble.   I believe that Daru did not make the decision for him because he did not want the responsibility, or get into trouble with the government.  In the end, I believe the Arab left Daru with a better understanding and respect for the Arab.

Loving Others

Loving Others

            I agree with Fromm that love is a way of living, not just a feeling towards a particular person.  In order to live a valuable, meaningful, and productive life, we must learn to improve our relationships with people by showing respect, and care.  These people include family, friends, significant other, and even new acquaintances that we meet everyday.  You may wonder what’s the point?  These strangers are people that you may never run into again in your lifetime, so why should you put up the effort?  It would be devastating if every one had this same thought.  I believe caring and loving others is what makes life truly productive. I saw this in a man who helped my sister and I when we had a flat tire.  This man, who was a stranger, took time out of his busy life to help someone that he didn’t know, and didn’t expect anything in return.  Our single mother had raised us, and since we didn’t have any man in the house, no one had taught us things like changing a flat tire. 

            I understand why it’s so important, and even necessary to love others.  In fact, it’s the key to long-term happiness and personal fulfillment.  Love gives us a purpose in life, something that gets us out of bed and makes us look forward to the day.   As a result, I believe that purpose can defeat depression that so often overshadows so many people.  Last weekend, I went to a funeral of my boyfriend’s coworker, who suffered from depression and had in fact committed suicide.  I wonder how people can even have the courage to end their lives since the number one fear in life is often times death?  This shows that we as human beings are more powerful than we actually think.  We are capable of choosing our own destiny, no matter how lost we may be.  Fromm does not provide a specific roadmap to the promising land because we all must experience our own journey.  This journey is like a collection of stories in a book that make our lives truly unique.  

            Love must be unselfish.  If you only care about yourself and your own selfish needs, then you will live a lonely life.  Fromm talks about loving others, and caring for those relationships because people in our daily lives are those that truly make a difference.  Money and material things can briing power, but not long-term happiness.  I believe Fromm’s definition of love is being a giver, not just a consumer.  People who consume too much in life become spoiled, wasteful, and unappreciative.   Those who are full of appreciation tend to value things more. This relates to my boyfriend who grew up in a poor village in China.  Having to work hard everyday in the field, and earn little money gives him a great sense of appreciation for what he has today.  I watch in amazement as his mom takes the water she previously used to clean the vegetables out to water the garden.  To be respectful, and conscientious in our human relations should be like the caring enough not to waste water and appreciate what we have.

            Some people who lack appreciation and value towards their relationship with people, ultimately lose their relationships at home.  I believe that failed marriages are not due to chance of falling in love and eventually falling out of it.  Instead, it’s the everyday sense of appreciation, respect, and value towards your relationship that will have a long-term impact.  I’m not an expert when it comes to relationships, but I believe in common sense.  Why do most people fall in love in the first place?  That’s the time when you appreciate, value, and respect the person most.  This is also known as the “honeymoon phase.” So why do people fall out of love?  Perhaps this is due to lacking appreciation, value, and respect towards that person.  I grew up in a broken family, witnessed lots of failed marriages, but also some good marriages too.  Growing up in a donut shop, I met a lot of older couples that have been married for over forty years.  I can see that they still treat each other with respect, care, and love even after all these years.  Some people may fall out of love, looking for that “feeling” again.   Like Fromm mentions, love is a way of living, not just a feeling.  That’s why it’s important to cherish your relationships, and take some time off regularly to spend time with the ones you love.    

The Eclipse

The Eclipse

The music begins with gentle piano drifting through the air, and I feel as though I’m replacing Bonnie Tyler in her original music video, walking alone in a dark hallway until the words, “Turn around,” echoes in the background and Bonnie’s voice flows mellifluously. As the music continues, Bonnie’s voice grows stronger, and the light sounds of various musical instruments become heavier.  I feel the adrenaline of the music rush through my veins like the blood that streams to my heart.  Right when I think I’ve reached the chorus, Bonnie continues the long verse after the words, “turn around bright eyes, every now and then I fall apart.”  The song continues building up a second time.  I am washed with a second wave of emotion, and I grow anxious with anticipation.  I feel as though my heart is about to explode due to being over saturated with too many secrets that I have kept to myself for many years.  But when I hear the clashing of the drums, the gates holding back my hidden truths fly off their hinges, and I can feel the music taking over my soul. 

“Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler is a song that many people would overlook as a romantic song, but to me, it’s a song about where we have all been at one point in our lives, and will continue to stumble upon in the future.  Eclipse of the heart is when darkness fills our world like being in a cave.   In order to escape, you must find the light, which is truth.  However, it takes time to build truth.  For example, finding and identifying your own identity to fit into society is often a difficult thing to discover, and may be a lonely journey.  When I listen to the song, I think about life and how we embark on this journey, to find what captivates our heart and imagination.  I hear the words, “every now and then I get a little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by.”  This relates to the video about music and life by Alan Watts, which tells a true story about how many people have narrow visions of life.  It’s as though many people are living a life of tracing over the same exact lines of an old drawing.

And when the drawing is complete, you don’t even care to look nor admire it because you’ve seen it already. 

But life shouldn’t be this way.  Why should we eclipse our heart with this loneliness?  This can be a lonely journey when you are stuck at a job with people who don’t share the same interests as you have.  As a result, you are gnawing away at your own truth and happiness.  Many years may pass by and you may end up just wanting to scream out loud.  This song starts out slowly, which makes me think about how lonely the journey is, but when it reaches the chorus, it’s like pouring your heart out.  One particular line in the chorus that sticks out to me is “we’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.”  The powder keg is just a symbol of all our great potential and capabilities contained in a cave.  Trapped inside, the natural gifts and talent we possess might never be known to us.

But for some people like me, it takes someone special to help bring guidance.  After I met my boyfriend Jonathan, I became a much stronger person.   He encouraged me to do things that I normally wouldn’t do on my own, such as to dig deep into my true desires in life.  Since I was a child, I enjoyed visiting my pediatrician, and loved how she would chat with me while she was performing a physical examination.  I thought how lucky she was to meet lots of kids everyday just like me, and help make them feel better.  Growing up, I started to believe that only people who came from rich families who could afford private tutoring have the best chances of getting in to medical school. Like the song, “Every now and then I get a little bit helpless and I’m lying like a child in your arms,” I felt like I was leaning to Jonathan for support, and found in him the genuine belief that he had for me.  This has given me the drive and the courage to believe in myself. 

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Happiness

Happiness

One quote from “Building Steam With a Grain of Salt” by DJ Shadow was expressing oneself, being a student, and also a teacher.  I think that’s what life is about, receiving and at the same time giving back.  As a student, you receive knowledge and wisdom about things you never knew.  Applying that knowledge, contribution to society, and to others, can make a big difference.  Making a contribution to others instead of being the sole beneficiary is what makes life more valuable and meaningful.  As a student, I am still learning.  However, I know that I can’t just be a student forever and not a teacher because that would be a selfish thing since I am obtaining all the knowledge and my capabilities to myself.  At the same time, one can never give up being a student because life is about learning and growing.  Even when times can be especially challenging and very frustrating, life always has a lesson to be learned from.  Also, I believe mistakes are essential to making improvements in our lives.

Constantly thinking about things greater than ourselves will bring happiness, and a bright future.  I believe the more lives you can impact, the more wealth you can achieve, but wealth doesn’t have to be money.  A wealthy person, in my opinion, is someone who is proud of all the positive impact that they have done for others.  For me, I don’t want to be caught up in the same daily routine, one day look at the mirror, and wonder where I have wasted all my youth.  Instead, I would like to recognize my face, and be proud of all the wrinkles I have for all the years of achievement and living a fulfilling life.  I, too, would want to live a life free to express myself, never holding back, and achieve my own dreams. 

Escaping the Cave

                                                             Escaping the Cave




            In the movie “Groundhog Day,” Phil was a self-centered man who couldn’t care less about anyone except himself. Although he boasted arrogant confidence to his coworkers and everyone else around him, deep inside Phil was living in a shadow. He was an unhappy person with little excitement for life. Also, Phil lacked kindness and respect for people. While his cameraman and producer stayed at a modest hotel, Phil stayed at a nice bed and breakfast inn. Despising his job as a weatherman, Phil was on the verge of quitting his job. In fact, Phil regarded his job as ridiculous and an embarrassment. The shadow that surrounded Phil was his lack of purpose in life. As a result, Phil was a lonely and bitter man stuck in a cave without any true friends.



               When power is placed in a person’s hands, true character becomes unraveled. Magically, Groundhog Day becomes a daily repeated cycle. Phil’s self-centered character is revealed by the choices he makes. Accustomed to living in his shadow, Phil suddenly feels empowered and quickly takes advantage of the situation. Due to the lack of consequences, Phil makes decisions that reflect his self-centered character. Without consideration for others, he pursues all the things that he believes will make him happy. Instead, Phil is left with short-term achievements and discovers that he can’t have everything he wants.



            Phil leaves the cave with his shadow following not too far behind. At first, he is full of contentment as he lives his life fearlessly and without discipline. Phil steals money, takes advantage of women by luring them to bed, and disregards his own health. However, he realizes that even his newfound power cannot give him the one thing missing in is life, which is true love. When Phil incessantly fails to take advantage of Rita, his producer, and material things no longer makes him happy, Phil finds himself shrouded in his bitter shadow again.



              Once Phil discovers that money and material things can’t provide happiness to his life, he becomes depressed and even suicidal. However, Phil begins to see the light from the cave when he finds that there are more important things than just caring about him self. By helping others, embracing art and music, and truly caring for Rita, Phil discerns true happiness that he had never felt before. The message about the path of enlightenment is transition from selfishness to selflessness. Phil was able to see the light from the cave because he was able to break away from his old self-centered character by caring about people. There are many financially rich people that live poor lives. If money and power are stripped, then all that’s left is what truly remains.

Beyond the Shadows

Beyond the Shadows

             When I was a child, I always felt like I was in the shadows of my parents. My sister and I grew up in the donut shop owned by my father. Although there were many happy memories, there were also unpleasant ones as well. Both of my parents struggled to make ends meet since the business reaped little profits. The good thing about owning a business is having the freedom to have your children around. However, instead of spending happy family times together, I would see my parents constantly arguing everyday.



                  At the time I couldn’t understand why my parents were always fighting. After all, I was only a child. Looking back, I now understand how tough their lives were. Maybe I wasn’t the only one lost in a shadow, but perhaps both my parents were stuck too. Imagine a life of not being able to have dreams. Even though he never told me, I know my dad’s dream was to have a successful business, and a happy family. However, life doesn’t always grant all your wishes, and sometimes you just have to make a sacrifice. My dad was living in an illusion, but little did he know he would soon be awakened by reality.



                 Not long after my seventh birthday, my mom had filed for divorced. I was so used to seeing both my parents argue, but I never thought that our family would be broken. I knew from then on my life was about to take on a dramatic change. If I could have it my way, I would’ve liked to grow up with my elementary friends, and have a united family. Instead, I had to help my mom and sister pack our belongings, and watch my dad stand on the driveway as our truck drove further and further from everything I had known up until then.



                   Things didn’t get any better after we moved to a much larger city. In fact, I felt more and more buried into a deep a shadow that I could not escape. One of the most challenging moments of my life was when my mom had a new boyfriend. It wasn’t the boyfriend that was the challenge; he had a daughter named Lina who was born with Down syndrome. Being only ten years old, I didn’t have the wisdom or full understanding of how to deal with such a person. Lina would steal my belongings or break them, and all I could do was to bite my tongue because no matter what I said, Lina’s disadvantage was used as an advantage. At the end of the arguments, Lina was special so she always had her way and I had to get used to it. Now I look back and I can’t agree more. I was such a selfish, ignorant child.



                I often wondered why my life had to be different from others. The stress at home lingered inside of me even when I was at school. The kids would socialize in large groups, and I would see how happy their faces were as they laughed and chatted among themselves. Unlike myself, it seemed as though they didn’t have a care in the world. Why couldn’t I laugh so hard until I had a stomachache? I simply wanted to be happy, but with all the fights, arguments, and turmoil at home, I found it difficult to have motivation, or do well in school.



                  The relationship my mom had with her boyfriend had been difficult, and even her patience had run out. The best thing was when we moved out. I knew that was a place that I could never call home. As I grew older, I wanted to have more understanding about people with disabilities. In essence, I was climbing through the tunnel of the cave towards the light. During high school, I volunteered to work in a class of students with mental disabilities. All the guilt and regret from fighting with Lina heavily resided in my heart, but from trying to understand other people with Down syndrome, I was freeing myself from the guilt. This was how I found the light out of darkness.



                There’s no doubt in my heart that both my parents love my sister and me unconditionally, and that they’ve always wanted what was best for us. Unfortunately, children usually don’t know when they are in a bad environment nor how to communicate effectively.  Also, children usually can't control who they must live with.  The true light that I discovered was when I realized the fact that I can’t change the past and live a life of regret and sorrow. I have come to find that the only way to change is by understanding, and learning more from my mistakes. This is connected to truth and belief because my belief has become my truth. The truth really has set me free. Without the times I’d spent in the cave, I wouldn’t have learned to embrace patience nor open my heart to life.